The Final Fantasy Dating Game!
by Kaiki-Ayamaru
Summary: Kaiki-Chan's first attempt at a fic.. Gwahaha. Be afraid. Changed rating from PG to R. Third chapter is pretty raunchy.
1. Final Fantasy Dating Game! FF7 version!

Disclaimer : Kaiki-Chan does not own Squaresoft, Final Fantasy, FOX, or any  
characters involved, apart from herself. Oh. She also owns an army of  
sporks, a bowl of thick, chocolate flavoured dairy product, and a plushie  
of herself. ^_^;; Arigatou.  
(( Kaiki-Chan appears, in a flurry of purple smoke! ))  
Kaiki-Chan : Gwahahahaha! Welcome! Thou hath stumbled upon my innocent  
broadcast, sponsored by FOX!  
Audience : (( Silent, except for some violent coughing fits, and looks of  
horror. ))  
Kaiki-Chan : Um.. Nevermind..  
(( Cheesy theme-music plays, while the title pops up. ))  
Kaiki-Chan : Welcome to the most clichéd of all fanfictions! The Final  
Fantasy Dating Game! Tonight, we have one contestant, which, actually  
happens to be Aeris Gainsborough, until somebody reviews, and requests for  
an appearance! (( Hint, hint. )) Anyway, tonight, there are five eligible  
bachelors, waiting for the questions! Are you ready, men?  
Bachelor #1 : Yes.  
Bachelor #2 : Of course..  
Bachelor #3 : ...  
Bachelor #4 : How did I get here? What? Where am I..?!  
Bachelor #5 : Am I getting paid for this?  
Aeris : Um.. First question! If we were on a date at a Carnival, what would  
we do first?  
Bachelor #1 : Uh.. I'd probably go play a game, and win you something.. I  
don't know..  
Bachelor #2 : First, we'd buy some fairy-floss, buy some tickets to the  
ferris-wheel, and cuddle.  
Audience : Awwwwwww.  
Bachelor #3 : I would slay everyone, including the vendors, with my big,  
sharp sword. Then we'd get in for free.  
Bachelor #4 : $#%@.. I don't know!  
Bachelor #5 : I'd buy you everything. Anything you wanted. I have money  
seeping out of my pores, you know.  
Aeris : ... Um. Right. Anyway, question number two! If you and me were  
trapped on Goblin Island, what three things would you take with you?  
Bachelor #1 : A pin, a table-cloth, and a clothes-line peg. Just like  
McGuyver.  
Bachelor #2 : My trusty steed, a sword, and.. A million kisses for you,  
when I get back!  
Bachelor #3 : My sword, and you. That is all I need. Then, when we ran out  
of supplies, I'd slay you.  
Bachelor #4 : My plane, duh. Then we'd %$#@&^# fly out of there!  
Bachelor #5 : Money, Scarlet, and a variety of.. Nevermind..  
Aeris : .. I hope he didn't mean what I thought he meant. Last question! Am  
I pretty?  
Bachelor #1 : (( Squirms, feeling uncomfortable. )) Um..  
Bachelor #2 : The prettiest woman I've ever seen..  
Yet-to-be-named-Fangirls : NOOOOO!!  
Bachelor #3 : Pretty, maybe. You'd look better with blood gushing from your  
stomach region..  
Bachelor #4 : Holy %$#! Thats disgusting!  
Bachelor #3 : Bwahahahaha..  
Bachelor #5 : Back to the question!  
Bachelor #4 : Oh. Right. Uh.. I guess you're pretty.  
Bachelor #5 : Aeris.. I could buy you the world.. (( Blows kisses, from  
behind the screen. ))  
Aeris : ... That guy just freaks me out.  
Kaiki-Chan : Awright! Aeris, have you made your choice?  
Aeris : Yes, Miss Kaiki, I have! I choose..  
Kaiki-Chan : Why don't we all take a wild freakin' guess?  
Aeris : Pardon me?!  
Kaiki-Chan : Nothing, nothing..  
Aeris : (( Murmur. )) I choose Bachelor #1!  
Kaiki-Chan : LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! She has picked Bachelor #1! What a  
surprise! What a complete and utter CRACKER! I never would have th-- ACK!  
(( Kaiki-Chan is then tackled by security guards, and beaten with tasers,  
and those black-police-stick thingies. ))  
Kaiki-Chan : I'LL BE BAAAAAAAACK! YOU'LL SEE! YOU'LL SEEEEEEEEE!!  
(( Kaiki-Chan is then hauled off the stage, in a half-conscious state. ))  
(( All is quiet, for a moment, before the audience notices Aeris and  
Bachelor #1, who actually happens to be Cloud--  
Kaiki-Chan : RAAAAAAAAAAH!  
(( Um, anyway, Cloud and Aeris appear to be making out, in a dark corner of  
the stage, desperately trying to conceal the lust--  
Kaiki-Chan : This is NOT a lemon.  
(( OKAY! Jeez. Stop interrupting. Aren't you dead yet, anyway? ))  
Kaiki-Chan : No.  
(( Right. Well. Anyway, the screen fades to black, with beady-eyed perverts  
from the audience watching Aeris and Cloud like hawks, and one last sound  
of a tranquilizer dart, and a whelp. ))  
  
Kaiki-Chan's last note! : Gahahaha. First fic. You likee? Review, then,  
you.. You.. Things! Anyway. Let me know if anyone wants to be a guest.  
Flames are welcome. If you're wondering, The rest of the bachelors are  
revealed as follows :  
#1 = Cloud.  
#2 = Vincent Valentine.  
#3 = Sephiroth.   
#4 = Cid Highwind.  
#5 = Rufus Shinra.  
Arigatou, and thanks for reading! ^_^ P.S, review, or die. _ _ 


	2. Final Fantasy Dating Game! Special episo...

Disclaimer: If I owned Final Fantasy, Squaresoft, Spongebob Squarepants, or  
any type of cheese in an aerosol can, I'd be a very happy little girl.  
But.. Sadly, I don't own any of these. ^_^;; Arigatou.  
(( Kaiki-Chan appears, in a whirlwind of rose petals! ))  
Kaiki-Chan : Aiyaa! Welcome, everybody! Tonight, we have a VERY special  
episode for you all! The team at Final Fantasy Dating Game Inc. have  
scoured about.. (( Counts on her fingers, holding up three. )) Five worlds,  
picking a potential bachelor from each! Tonight, our contestant is.. ((  
Drumroll, as Kaiki-Chan receives a crumpled-up letter from someone in the  
audience, ripping it open. )) DRAGON VALOR! Come on on out!  
(( Dragon Valor is pushed out of the green-room, looking dazed and  
confused. ))  
Dragon Valor : Where on Earth am I..?  
Kaiki-Chan : ... Mars!  
Dragon Valor : Really?! I always wanted to go to Mars..  
Kaiki-Chan : Actually, that was just for comic relief from the awful pain  
that is my introduction.  
Dragon Valor : Oh..  
Kaiki-Chan : Moving on.. Lets introduce our bachelors! Bachelor #1 is a  
goofy blonde, who isn't afraid to laugh in the face of danger, especially  
when he isn't real!  
Bachelor #1 : Like, its totally nice to be like, here!  
Kaiki-Chan : Bachelor #2 describes himself as powerful, terrifying, and  
tormented! Welcome to the show, Bachelor #2!  
Bachelor #2 : HEE-HEE-HEE. Hello, viewers.  
(( Kaiki-Chan glances to a security guard, for reassurance. ))  
Kaiki-Chan : .. Right. Next Bachelor is #3! He loves to take long walks on  
the beach, comb his hair, and wear big, white jackets! Hey, Bachelor #3!  
(( Bachelor #3 begins making kissing noises, plastering his lips to the  
tinted screen, in Kaiki-Chan's direction. ))  
Kaiki-Chan : ... I'm gonna pretend I didn't see that. Bachelor #4 is a  
recurring guest, known for his sweet remarks, scary complaints about  
nightmares, and total babe-ilicious-ness!  
Bachelor #4 : .. Thank-you, Miss.  
Kaiki-Chan : Heehee. He called me "Miss".. Um. Anyway. Our last bachelor is  
a big fan of swords, armor, and protecting princesses!  
Bachelor #5 : WHERES THE PRINCESS?! I'VE LOST THE PRINCESS!  
Dragon Valor : Oh my..  
Bachelor #5 : Princess?! PRINCESS?! Is that YOU?!  
Kaiki-Chan : NO! Give it a rest, you hunk of rusty metal! On with the  
questions!  
Dragon Valor : .. Um. If you picked the restraunt we went to on a date, and  
I couldn't decide what I wanted, what would you order for me?  
Bachelor #1 : The seafood, duh.. Its only, like, the, like, BEST thing on  
the, like, menu.  
Bachelor #2 : The half-live diseased Cow's intestines. All wriggling, in  
barbecue sauce..  
Bachelor #3 : .. Would Kaiki be coming? I'd order for her, anytime..  
Kaiki-Chan : .. Oh my God. SECURITY!  
Bachelor #4 : Spaghetti Bolognese.. I believe its a very romantic dish.  
Followed by some suitable red wine.  
Bachelor #5 : Where is the princess? Have you imprisoned her somewhere?  
WHERE IS SHE?!  
(( The audience begin to make strange faces at Bachelor #5, wondering what  
he's been smoking, while Kaiki-Chan eyes Bachelor #3's protective screen,  
with a finger poised at the speed-dial for the Police, on her cellphone. ))  
Kaiki-Chan : .. Next question!  
Dragon Valor : .. Um. (( Struggles, to make sense out of the cue-cards ten  
feet away. )) Shikka, shikka.. Gibby.. Jibjib.. Killkoi.. Mmtak..  
(( Kaiki-Chan also squints, to see, before pointing at a misplaced Kimahri,  
who happens to be her personal assistant. ))  
Kaiki-Chan : Kimahri! Have you been changing the cue-cards, again.. ?!  
Kimahri : Kimahri touched nothing. (( Kimahri speeds off the side-stage,  
and makes a run for it. ))  
Kaiki-Chan : ... He'll be back. Anyway. Somebody replace those cards.  
(( The cards are replaced, by a stage-hand, that looks strangely similar to  
Wakka. ))  
Dragon Valor : .. Oh. I can see, now. If I was wounded in a fight, what  
would you do? A, stay with me, B, get help, or C, abandon me for a good  
chilli-cheese burger, ya?  
Stage-Hand-That-Looks-Incredibly-Similar-To-Wakka : Sorry, ya. Force of  
habit, ya.  
Bachelor #1 : Like, all of the, like, above!  
Bachelor #2 : None of them. I'd leave you to suffer. Like I did..  
HAHAHAHA..  
Kaiki-Chan : .. No comment.  
Bachelor #3 : If a good chilli-cheese burger is also known as Kaiki.. C!  
Kaiki-Chan : Did.. He just call me a chilli-cheese burger..?  
Bachelor #4 : A, I would stay with you. I'm always equipped with the proper  
healing items.  
Bachelor #5 : Who are you talking about, buffoon?! Is the Princess  
WOUNDED?!  
(( Kaiki-Chan motions to the Security Guards standing by, as they stomp on  
over, twist Bachelor #5's arms behind his back, handcuff him, and take him  
away. ))  
Bachelor #5 : NOOOOOO! PRINCESS!  
Kaiki-Chan : Weirdo.. Next question, amigo!  
Dragon Valor : ... Er. What are your favorite colors?  
Kaiki-Chan : PRODUCER! LACK OF ORIGINALITY! LACK OF ORIGINALITY-- OW!  
(( The audience toss small pebbles at Kaiki-Chan, handed out from before  
the show, yelling "SHUT UP!" ))  
Bachelor #1 : Like, blue. Blue's like.. So totally, like, cool, you know?  
Bachelor #2 : .. Blood. HAHAHAHAHA! BLOOD! YOU'LL SEE!  
Bachelor #3 : Purple.. Like Kaiki's hair..  
Kaiki-Chan : (( Shakes a fist at the tinted screen hiding Bachelor #3. ))  
Weirdo! You're next!  
Bachelor #4 : Midnight black.. And crimson red..  
Kaiki-Chan : Last question!  
Dragon Valor : How would you react, if I kissed you on the lips, right  
here, right now?  
Bachelor #1 : Like.. Kissing is, like.. Bad, and stuff.. If my parents,  
like, catch me, I'll be grounded, for like, a year!  
Bachelor #2 : I'd eat your lips.  
Bachelor #3 : .. Noo... I don't want to kiss you.. I want to kiss the  
purple-haired beauty..  
Kaiki-Chan : (( Shudders. ))  
Bachelor #4 : Well.. I'd be somewhat surprised at first, but gradually, I'd  
kiss you back.  
Dragon Valor : ... I've made my choice.  
Kaiki-Chan : Great. So, which freak is it?  
Dragon Valor : I choose.. Bachelor #4!  
Kaiki-Chan : Bachelor #4, come right out!  
(( Bachelor #4 calmly, and swiftly makes his way out from behind the  
screen, moving over to Dragon Valor, with a twinkle in his eye. ))  
Kaiki-Chan : Vincent Valentine and Dragon Valor! What a cute couple!  
(( Dragon Valor proceeds to reach out for an out-of-place metal rod,  
whacking Kaiki-Chan over the head, with it. ))  
Kaiki-Chan : I'll see you next time, on the F-- Urrrrghhh...Blaaarrghhh..  
(( Vincent Valentine sweeps Dragon Valor into his arms, and makes a hasty  
escape. Wakka then walks out, from behind the camera. ))  
Wakka : Hey, ya? How ya doin'? Since Kaiki-Chan's been knocked unconscious,  
we'll see you next time, on The Final Fantasy Dating Game, ya?!  
Bachelor #1 = Tidus. Heheh. Valley-girl.  
Bachelor #2 = Kefka, probably the coolest villain, ever.  
Bachelor #3 = Seifer Almasy. Kaiki-Chan's newest stalker.  
Bachelor #4 = Vincent Valentine. Creepy guy with the big claw.  
Bachelor #5 = Adelbert Steiner. Currently in prison, for disorderly  
behavior in public.  
Kaiki-Chan's last note! : Second chapter in my on-going fic. R&R! Request  
yourself or someone else as a guest! Flames are welcomed with open arms!  
Arigatou! ^_^;; 


	3. Final Fantasy Dating Game! Episode 3!

Disclaimer : Kaiki-Chan, the insanely stupid author of this 'fic, doesn't  
claim to own Squaresoft, Final Fantasy, Hannibal the Cannibal, The Late  
Show, or any of the characters involved, apart from herself. If she owned  
all the other stuff, this little girl would be one hell of a happy little  
puppy. ^_^ Arigatou~!  
  
(( Kaiki-Chan appears in a puff of purple smoke! ))  
Kaiki-Chan : Welcome, precious audience, to The Final Fantasy Dating Game!  
Tonight, our special guest is Sapphira, the oddly-shaped balloon!  
(( Sapphira appears, in a puff of green smoke. ))  
Sapphira : ... What the HELL?!  
Kaiki-Chan : ^_^;; Its nothing to worry about, dear. Its a game-show.  
You'll catch on. Anyway, tonight, we have a new load of Bachelors! Hot off  
the press! Increasingly difficult to find, as space and time travel is  
needed to find them! Bachelor #1 says he's known as very appearance-  
orientated, many say he looks like a girl, including his girlfriend, and he  
also claims to have a tail! Welcome, Mental Patient #1!  
Bachelor #1 : Mental patient? What? What are you talking abo-- Ohhhh..  
Kaiki-Chan : Ahem. Bachelor #2 is fond of cakes, pies, and tasty frogs!  
Welcome to the show, Hannibal the Cannibal!  
Bachelor #2 : What you say? Me no Cannibal. Me no frog.. Me wishes me was a  
frog, though..  
Kaiki-Chan : Mental scar alert. Bachelor #3 has a bad habit of stabbing  
people with long, thin swords, who's also a recurring guest! Ladies and  
Gentlemen, Bachelor #3!  
Bachelor #3 : ....  
Kaiki-Chan : I'll take his silence as a good thing! Bachelor #4 is one hell  
of a strange guy, has a groovy little cowboy hat and long hair, and he's  
more of a chicken-wuss than Zell! Wassup, Bachelor #4?  
Bachelor #4 : Yo.. I'm like.. Coo'..  
Kaiki-Chan : Moving on. Okay Sapphira, tonight you'll be asking questions  
from a cue-card, directed at all the Bachelors. At the end of the hour, you  
pick one of the Bachelors to go on a date with, gathering from the answers  
the Bachelors had given you. First question!  
Sapphira : Uh.. Alright. What's your ultimate goal in life?  
Bachelor #1 : To nab a piece of that ass.  
Bachelor #2 : Me eat things. Me eat you?  
Bachelor #3 : World destruction. Yes, I said destruction. Not domination.  
Not a virus break-out. DESTRUCTION.  
Bachelor #4 : Yo'.. I be like.. Savin' the world from.. Shit like..  
Sorceress bitches. Ya' know what I'm say-een?  
Kaiki-Chan : Second question!  
(( Sapphira eyes the 3rd booth, with a cat-like glint in her eye. ))  
Kaiki-Chan : Oh.. I get it. Freaky little homocidal maniacs are gonna end  
up getting it on, aren't they?  
Sapphira : How would you destroy the world..?  
Kaiki-Chan : HEY! Thats not on the cards-- Bluuurrrgghhh..  
(( Sapphira interrupts Kaiki-Chan mid-sentence, and whacks her with the  
hilt of a sword. ))  
Bachelor #3 : I did try slaughtering everyone in a global corporation,  
freeing some strange chick that I thought was my mother, but really wasn't,  
going to a few random places, skewering a huge snake on a big stick,  
finding this weird little orb, and summoning a huge-ass meteor with it.  
Sapphira : Wow.. Cool..  
Bachelor #4 : Like, yo.. How we be goin' 'bout this now, ho? The host's all  
whacked, and shit.  
(( Sapphira then takes initiative, walking around Bachelor #4's protective  
booth, and beating the shit out of him, with the hilt of a sword. ))  
Bachelor #3 : Skewer him.  
Sapphira : Good idea.  
Bachelor #4 : Sppllssshhtt.. Bluuurrrgggghhh.. Lata'.. All of yewz who  
loved me..  
(( Bachelor #4 departs to the shadow world, while Kaiki-Chan miraculously  
wakes up! ))  
Kaiki-Chan : Are my shoe-laces tied?! I'm going to DIEEEEE.. My shoe-laces!  
TIE MY SHOE-LACES!  
(( Sapphira recognises this as a bad concussion, so she knocks her out  
again. ))  
Kaiki-Chan : (( Squeak. )) Mommy..  
(( Sapphira slinks behind Bachelor #3's protective booth, and sics herself  
on him, like a horny rabbit. ))  
(( The show ends with Seifer Almasy scooting over to Kaiki-Chan's comatose  
body, wrapping it up in a shroud, and taking it to be mummified, so he can  
adore her forever! Ahem. Moaning, banging, and squeaking is heard from  
Bachelor #3's booth, while Bachelor #2 feasts on Bachelor #4's remains, and  
Bachelor #1 combs his hair. ))  
  
Kaiki-Chan's last note! : I'm aware this chapter sucks. o_o But I wrote it  
while watching The Late Show. Curse me. Its a little raunchy, too, but, who  
cares! ^_^ R&R! Arigatou!  
Bachelor #1 : Zidane Tribal. Eww.  
Bachelor #2 : Quina Qu. Is that his/her last name? I dunno, but, eww..  
Bachelor #3 : Sephiroth. Crazy silver-haired guy that everyone loves.  
Bachelor #4 : The Late Irvine Kinneas Jr. Ghetto-style. Ewwwwwwwww! 


End file.
